Zombie Jesus’s Christmas Glory

I’m sorry this particular post is so late.  There were a few artistic difficulties.  Instead of making the same Christmas Grinch post, I was going to couple it with another Zombie Jesus concoction.

zombie_santaEveryone loves Zombie Jesus especially Megyn Kelly from The Fox New Channel who insists that Jesus was white.  Hypothetically, if Jesus was real, he would have been Jewish living in the Mediterranean.  Hence, he would have been a nice tan color not European white.

It stands to reason that Megyn Kelly was talking about Zombie Jesus.  Surely, Zombie Jesus is white…or whitish…since his skin cells are dead.

While attempting to write the Zombie Jesus post, I surmised that “faithful” Christians, Catholics, Evangelicals, and Tea Partiers couldn’t possibly follow the teachings of hypothetical Jesus since he was a stickler for curing the sick (universal healthcare), feeding the poor (no moping school floors required), and disliked capitalism.

Despising greedy bastards was hypothetical Jesus’s modus operandi since they believed that poor people who couldn’t afford healthcare and food should die.  Which happens to coincide with beliefs of most zealot Christians, Catholics, Evangelicals, all Tea Partiers, nasty people with bad attitudes, and capitalists.

Hence, all those lovely people worship anti-Jesus (a.k.a., Zombie Jesus).  They still worship the same God since he’s a sadistic jerk.

I attempted to come up with cleverly sarcastic phrases about Zombie Jesus whispering encouraging words to capitalists who’s wallets are too big for their britches.  Greed seems to make the brain taste like the finest filet mignon from the best five star restaurant.

Then I went on to say how the aforementioned Zombie Jesus worshipers had no brains making them the worst Zombie Jesus dish, but they make perfect followers.

Somehow I would tie in the greed of children carelessly ripping open meticulously wrapped gifts and make another sarcastic joke.  By the way, the brains of greedy children taste like veal.

For some reason, the unreality of Christmas cheer and hypocritical religious people couldn’t sum up my usual pithy phrases of sarcastic disgust.

My comedic talents are nowhere near the genius of Jon Stewart.  When I watched and read the news reports regarding Black Friday mob riots, I was horrified.  I’m still horrified.  There’s no possible way I can comically iterate the stupidity of people fighting others for useless things marked down to their regular price.  (Does anyone else feel that regularly priced items are ridiculously overpriced?)  The whole ordeal defies my imagination.  Thank the Creator for people like Jon Stewart who’s able to display his disbelief in a funnier way.

Near the beginning of the year, there was a meme going around Facebook that stated A civilized society has no need of guns.  I am a civilized person who, unfortunately, lives in an uncivilized society.

When people get into fist fights over towels, it’s hard not giving up on society.  I hope we have another Era of Enlightenment where most zealously religious people leave their beliefs in the dumpster and embrace reason.  At least put their beliefs in a different perspective, find the compassion of hypothetical Jesus, and embrace reason.

Here’s to a better 2014.



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