Yesterday, I went shopping in Target. As I passed the ransacked Easter aisle with the dismal leftovers of super cheap Easter candy only extreme bargain hunters will touch, I thought about the religious implications of the holiday and came up with one conclusion.
Easter is actually Zombie Salvation Day. Jesus died for our sins and was reanimated. Hence, Jesus was a zombie.
In the real world, people are taught to fear zombies through mass media, with a few exceptions. There may be a few right wing nut jobs hoarding weapons of mass destruction because they fear an impending Zombie Apocalypse.
Ironically, the same right wing religious sycophants and their – not so crazy yet equally as closed minded – counterparts worship the world’s most famous zombie known as Jesus. Why stock pile for a Zombie Apocalypse when a zombie was the salvation of your immortal soul? If that wasn’t mind-boggling enough, there are a lot of paradoxes in the Christian faith. (Just for fun and annoyance, I’m lumping Catholics with the Christians).
Aside from Zombie Jesus, I’m going to name a few others that come to mind.
The Christians’ vengeful God love to make his followers suffer. It’s an unwritten rule hidden among the supposedly written ones in the bible. If Christians aren’t suffering in some shape or form, that usually means heaven is out of reach. Forget about the whole no sex before marriage (though there aren’t many within the Christian faith that still follows that rule and if they say they do then they’re lying to you). Let’s focus on Lent.
During a span of roughly six weeks, those in the Christian faith commit to fasting or giving up certain types of luxuries as a form of penitence. Depending on how you were raised. I was always told that I had to give up the thing that I loved most.
The purpose of this Lent ritual is to prepare the believer through prayer, penance, repentance, almsgiving, and self-denial. Basically, suffering to prepare for a trip to heaven and to give homage to Zombie Jesus.
There’s another word for those who reward people after making them miserable. They’re called Sadists. Hence the Christian God is a Sadist. You know HE loves you when you’re feeling pain.
No wonder Christians zealously revere the cross and place the symbol everywhere. The cross was traditionally a Roman torture device. I guess in a strange way, the cross is a reminder that Christians must suffer to get into heaven.
Next Easter, remember the pastel colors, the cute baby animal caricatures, and the garishly adorned candy hide something far more ghastly. It’s all to hide the fact that Zombie Jesus is coming to get us.