Voter’s Survival Guide: How to Spot a Tea Partier

Tea Partiers are crazy, hostile creatures bent on continental domination.  Often mistaken for regular middle class Americans who believe in Traditional Family Values, small government, and creating jobs, in truth they are deadly viruses in disguise.  Do not be fooled by their fake smiles and clean cut lines.

Their Traditional Family Values is code for continental religious reformation.  They want to shove their beliefs down your throat in a forceful attempt to change everything you believe in.  If you refuse to conform to their religious ways, you will be branded an Anti-American Communist against wholesome Christian values.

When they say small government, they really mean cutting desperately needed government jobs like police, fire fighters, and teachers.  While they cut those jobs, they intend to create and enforce strict government regulations regarding your private life (e.g., bedroom antics, sexual orientation, etc.).

Creating Jobs is yet another disreputable code for restricting or taking away the rights of women.  They infamously use the term to create a type of smoke screen while they pass regulations on contraception and abortion.  This is an attempt to strip away the rights of women to satisfy their deluded religious beliefs that women are inferior objects incapable of taking care of their bodies.

In truth, these little creepy viruses are closeted children that are unaware of the real world and are willingly led by their churches and purse strings.  They refuse to acknowledge the part of the First Amendment that states Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.  Meaning Congress should not make a law that favors one religion.  For making a law favoring one religion essentially establishes that religion as the country’s religion.  Since Americans enjoy several religions and (in some cases) no religion, it goes against the very foundation of the American establishment to favor one religion.

Instead, Tea Party member prefer to acknowledge the second part of the sentence regarding religion in the First Amendment that states Congress shall make no law…prohibiting the free exercise of religion.  If a religious fanatic wants to get on a soap box and scream scripture at the top of their lungs in a public forum, they are allowed to do so without worry that Congress will enact a law prohibiting such actions.

Yet, as the Tea Party understands it, they have the right to force their beliefs on the entirety of the American people by passing laws that infringe on the religious beliefs of others.

Common Traits to Look for…

  1. Greedy Bastards:  They jump into bed with anyone who’ll flash the cash.  According to Citizens United, billionaires are able to “buy” Senators and Members of Congress for the price of a campaign.
  2. Corporate Puppet:  If you look really hard, you can see the strings!  Another version of “Greedy Bastards” except that corporations “buy” Senators and Members of Congress by establishing Super Packs to fund campaigns.
  3. Brainless:  They are poster boys and girls for the psychotic!  They believe in pseudo sciences and mythologies, which have no basis in reality.  Tea Partiers choose to ignore actual science because it doesn’t serve their personal interests.  Most let their religion do the thinking for them.
  4. Overwhelming Insincerity:  The best way to tell that they don’t care is all in their fake smiles.  These smiles seem abnormally big, taking up half the face with huge, blindingly white teeth.  While they smile, their eyes are vacant or shifty.  You can also gouge their insincerity through the drastically creepy vibe they radiate.
  5. Closet Homosexual (does not apply to all Tea Party candidates):  They insist they’re for the “traditional family.” Yet, they are closet homosexuals in chronic denial and attempt to persecute open homosexuals to make themselves feel better.

If you find yourself in trouble, DON’T PANIC!  Find yourself the nearest a** and hide behind it!  Happy voting!

2 thoughts on “Voter’s Survival Guide: How to Spot a Tea Partier

  1. Alison Baker says:

    When organizations like the Tea Party exist, it means someone on the
    opposing side is doing something right. Same thing with the voter
    intimidation that currently permeates the country. People just have
    to learn the hard way sometimes. Life is always better with a little
    a$$ in it.


  2. […] get me wrong, I’m not above slamming them.  I’ve done it at least twice and one was my most popular post.  Yet, I was bummed at the lack of Liberal support.  Maybe I was searching on the wrong […]

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