A Letter to England

Dear England,

Congratulations on this auspicious occasion. I know that many of your citizens have been looking forward to and are extremely proud to be hosting the 2012 London Olympic games.

I am heartily saddened that my viewing of the Olympic games will not be in person, but on TV. The Americans lucky enough to be at the games in person, I hope they cheer twice as much for my share.

There is one thing I do regret. The tempestuously insulting and boring Mitt Romney.

Americans can’t stand him, the Republican Party can’t stand him, and now you can’t stand him. He’s fast becoming a stain on American history, one that will be hard to rub out. Maybe that’s a good thing. He can be a template for a candidate who represents greed, crazy, and religious fanaticism (aka., The Tea Party).

Unfortunately, Romney is bringing his particular brand of greed, crazy, and religious fanaticism to England. While Americans are glad to be rid of him for a while, I feel that we are regretful that other countries – especially you – must suffer his stupidity.

Within twenty-four hours of his leaving, his campaign displayed blatant racism (though they deny having done so), he has insulted England in their hosting of the Olympic games, and he’s attended a fundraiser for ridiculously rich people hosted by the resigned CEO of Barclay Robert Diamond.

Yes, Romney is a truly despicable person who wanted to show his foreign policy superiority and is – thank the stars – failing miserably. While I wanted to take this chance to offer American Romney nicknames for England’s use, I see that you have already discovered the joys of creating your own. Yet, I still put the offer on the table. Here’s a list of my favorites.

  • Mendacious Mitt
  • Mittens
  • Mittbot
  • Flipper

Here is a whole list of them (64 and counting in alphabetical order). Although I feel that England could come up with “Mittbot” on their own since one British source that said, after meeting Romney, that he’s “devoid of charm, warmth, humour or sincerity.”

“Flipper” is also another one that you would easily come up with since he already tried to flip-flop on the atrocious insult he dealt to you. (BTW: Don’t buy Romney’s “Saved the 2002 Olympics” line. The American government is the one that saved the 2002 Olympics with an infusion of taxpayer money.)

While we have a list of 64 Romney nicknames, you have a good start on your own list.

  • RomneyShambles
  • Nowhere man Romney
  • Party-pooper Romney
  • American Borat

America is incredibly sorry that this travesty by the name of Mitt Romney has befallen you. Please don’t deport him yet because we’re not ready to have him back. If you could stash him somewhere cold and dark (Tower of London anyone?), we would be appreciated. If you must spit him back out, could you aim him in the direction of Russia? They seem like the type of people who would take physical action against a man who insults them.

Yet, I do believe that our “problem” has become a rally point for your people. Hosting the 2012 Olympics was already a rallying point, it seems that Mitt Romney’s insult has made those bonds stronger.

Show him England’s unequivocal elegance and make him truly sorry for making those comments. Though I doubt you’ll get an apology from him since he’s the man who “Doesn’t apologize for America.” He likely hopes that you didn’t read his book where he wrote

Its roads and houses are small. With few exceptions, it doesn’t make things that people in the rest of the world want to buy. And if it hadn’t been separated from the continent by water, it almost certainly would have been lost to Hitler’s ambitions. Yet only two lifetimes ago, Britain ruled the largest and wealthiest empire in the history of humankind. Britain controlled a quarter of the earth’s land and a quarter of the earth’s population.

He says you were an impressive superpower, but he doesn’t think much of you now. Need any other reason to place him in the Tower of London?

Otherwise, I wish your team good luck in the Olympics because our beloved American Team will be hard to beat…despite the travesty of their opening day uniforms made in China.

Respectfully yours,

R. K. Bishop


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